I Am Free

What does it feel like inside a human restricted, constricted, oppressed, and suppressed? It feels like a pain that is never ending. Like you have to be strong, so you don’t just fall over dead from the daily beating of just being alive. Then you throw in the rest of the world and the struggles that it provides. How did I ever survive?

If normal people struggle with surviving and end their life, what do we have to be made of to be able to fight all that is within us and those things exterior to us that carry pain like a random whisper in the wind? Where is our mental break? What is it like to just be able to be, to exist, to breathe, and every moment isn’t lathered in pain? Many of us never get to experience that.

I remember breathing. I remember being in a crowded room and being alone all at the same time, I knew I didn’t fit in anywhere. I tried to play it off and be what, “I was supposed to be,” I think that just reopened the wounds and maybe even drove the pain deeper inside me. I remember trying to drown out the world. I used to lay on my floor in my bedroom and put the speakers from my stereo on each side of my head and just blast the music in my ears, so I couldn’t hear or feel anything else, it overpowered my emotions and the sounds of the pain, I loved music, always have. There were times, when the music just played right into my pain, the songs, they covered my wounds when they needed to breathe. There were days that my tears ran out and even my Mother never saw one of them gliding down my cheek. I hide so much. I hide myself, my laughter, my being, my personality, my love…my love. My love was shifted and contorted into something else, I tried to let it out, but how do you share love when all you have recycling within you is constant pain. Constant pain that felt like pressure in your head, worse than a migraine and like a light with a migraine, the world just made it worse. Even the pressure in my chest that never subsided, they said, it was anxiety, but that wasn’t true, it was a broken heart never able to heal. So much pain, I just remember so much pain and all my memories are scattered from the drugs I used to try and numb it or end it, because I couldn’t pull the trigger. Slow death it would have been, but something had to stop the pain, anything.

I sit here in wonder, how the fuck did I survive this? What the hell am I made of?  No god ever came to rescue me, no god ever eased my pain, if anything this god I was taught about and these people that associated with him made it worse, far worse than it was in the beginning. I still tried, I tried to fit into their box, I tried to believe and I did, with all that I was, even though it was like a constant knife digging deeper into my soul. They said, it was love and they said, I was broken and this god could repair all that was wrong with me, just believe, and I did, I believed with everything, with all of me. That god never showed up. I prayed for death, and that god never showed up.  I thought, I was born in pain, I’ll die in pain, and it’s up to me to determine how long I stick it out. How much strength does one person have? When does that strength just dissipate, how much longer do I have?

Then two years ago, I let go. I let go of religion and my attempt to please those around me. I let it all go. I dug so deep for information to prove all that I was taught about religion was true, I dug for years. Then one day I realized like Santa this is not real, it’s a fairy tale to ease the minds of the weak and torture the minds of the strong. It’s a device that allows people to be closed into a box that gets smaller and smaller the older you get. It suffocates what the human being could be, it restricts the beauty and resilience of a life that could be well lived in so many ways. Oh, but to be free! There are no words to express the transition of where I was, who I was, and all the pain I went through, to finally being free. There are no words deep enough or descriptive enough to even come close to the way I feel today verses how I felt the majority of my life. I can only simply say, I am free. I know what it’s like to love myself, now. I can smile without faking it, now and even my eyes smile too. I am whole and beautiful. After 35 years of life, of endless pain, of dying, of dread, of fear, of self hate, of religious hate, religious manipulation, of suppression, I AM FREE.




The problem with some peoples kindness is that it is only surface level. Outside of being nice to your face, they don’t really care if laws hurt you, politicians fight to take your rights, or cause life to be harder for you, as long as they are not affected by these things. Outside of being nice to your face, they don’t care if their racism or small mindedness hurts you. Outside of being nice to your face, they don’t care if their religion or beliefs hurt you or if them forcing those things on you hurts you.

Anyone can believe what they want. It’s when those beliefs are forced on others or cause others harm, where a line is drawn between kindness and the reality of their beliefs turning to their lack of care and concern on what happens to other people.

How is kindness defined, when it’s only at face value, but never on a deeper level? I wish humanity would just live and love, but people have to make things harder for others, people they don’t even know, because that’s what they believe. Religion and beliefs sway laws and political decisions and some people don’t live by those beliefs, so in turn they can be harmful or give them more hardships in life (like the policies in place with mortgage rates being higher for black and Latin folks than white folks), this came from a belief that the white man was more deserving of things than POC.

Where do we draw the line? How can we define kindness when it’s more like a mask people wear and not a reality? What is kindness exactly, to people who think like this? How do they justify their two faced value of kindness?

Nature / Nurture / Education

I am writing a book, it’s going to be a murder thriller story and I have been doing research on the psychology of criminals and murders. Part of this research that has been done is the nature verses nurture aspect. I’ve watched some documentaries on the mind of serial killers and how they have no remorse or feelings of guilt for what they do. A question that has people boggled is, were they born this way? They have discovered that the brains of murders do have a difference in them than the brain of normal people, but that there are rare cases, where people with normal brains have the same type of brain as a serial killer but still do not see these things as okay. So it’s likely a mix of the two. I have also watch documentaries on other criminals and how they basically didn’t even have a chance, because they were incarcerated at a young age, their parents and family didn’t care for them and they had no structure to follow. One of the guys killed a man in prison, because he had been in solitary confinement (or CM Close Management) for years and it was making him crazy. He wanted out of there, so he killed his cell mate when he got one while he was in CM. He wanted to get on death row, because there was more freedoms. He started getting in trouble at the age of 12 and by 17 years of age, he was in prison, has not been out of prison his entire life and he is in his late 50’s. A cousin of his found out about him and started writing and visiting him. It changed his outlook on life and he was beyond grateful that his cousin took the time to be a part of his life. When they first started writing he told him, no hard feelings if you only write a few times and then I never hear from you again. That’s what he was used to. So between, his lack of love, of any sort, lack of parenting, he skipped school, so lack of education, and where he grew up, this guy did not have a chance.

This is due to so many things, but education is a very big part of it. Our communities are segregated, if not by race, by wealth and no one cares for the poor. Our education system in this country is downright pathetic and that is in part why our country is so torn right now. If people were actually educated about government, policies, ACTUAL history and not the watered down white version they put in school text books or leave out of text books (TEXAS just voted to remove Hillary Clinton from history books). That should set off some alarms in everyone’s head. How can you remove history and why is the history we are taught in school lies and white washed heroism, instead of the actual truth. Why are only white men leading the way and why is there no input or representation from people of other races on decision making across the board? White men in my experience have been the most privileged, the least grateful for that privilege, and always the ones that want to be in power or be the Alpha race. There is no damn alpha race, but because of the way things have been and the fact that racism is still a serious issue, there does not to be representation from every race in every aspect of governance in this country. We need to focus on and fix our education system. We need new history books in the classrooms that actually teach kids the history of this country and not a watered down white version. I’m white, but I’m not blind, I see my privilege. I see that government policies and financial policies are easier on me than on any person of color. I am need other white folks to see it too. Care about something other than yourself for one in your life. This country is not great and it hasn’t been great, since before Columbus landed here and began his rape and massacre of the Native Americans.

Conversation with a Christian

“God actually helps me.”

I’m glad god helps you. I can see a purpose for it, it gives people a form of hope. The celebration of life for my friend made me think about that aspect. People cling to hope, it’s comforting, it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not. Hope connects strongly with the emotional aspect of being human.

Religion is not all bad, people have made it bad. If people focused on the person of Jesus mythical or not or even Buddha, they had many great points, but even their words have been slaughtered and used for hate.

It’s sad what humanity does to itself. There are many enlightened beings that have tried to teach humanity to love itself, but power and greed seem to be all the elite care about. Then because of whatever they might think, they send those they see and contritely that are lower than them, to fight their battles while they sit in the leap of luxury. Some of the people beneath them follow along and actually think they care about them, they care nothing for us, only themselves. If loyalty and luxury left them, they’d die off quickly because they wouldn’t know how to survive without the strong ones.

Humans would rather be right in their own mind, than actually truly love and care for another being different than themselves. I know there are people out there, that strive to be every bit of the definition of love, but they are few.

No Proof of the Census Surrounding Jesus’ Birth

“Virtually nothing is actually known about the supposed founder of Christianity, Jesus of Nazareth. There is not even any defiant proof that he was a historical rather than a mythical figure. Certainly, the proof is not to be found in the New Testament, which claims his birth was in Bethlehem, in the Roman province of Judea, where his family had gone for a census at the time of Augustus, but there was no census at the time stated and Judea was not a Roman province at the time. When a census was held in AD 7, it did not require anyone to leave their place of residence. Similarly, the New Testament locates Jesus’ birth as in the time of King Herod, who died in 4 BC. Roman and Greek writers of the time, make no mention of Jesus and a supposed reference by the Jewish Roman writer Josephus, is almost certainly a result of the imaginations of medieval monks. Even the first authenticated reference to Christians, by Acastus, writing in about AD 100 does not mention Jesus by name, but simply uses the Green word Christus used for any supposed messiah. We know as little about the beliefs of the early Christians, as we do about the life of their supposed founder.”

-Chris Harman (A People’s History of the World)

“There is no record of Caesar Augustus’ decree that “all the world should be enrolled” (Lk. 2:1).  The Romans kept extremely detailed records of such events.  Not only is Luke’s census not in these records, it goes against all that we know of Roman economic history.  Roman documents show that taxation was done by the various governors at the provincial level.  As we shall see later, the property tax was collected on site by travelling assessors, thus making unnecessary Joseph’s journey away from what little property he must have owned.  Gleason Archer quotes a census expert who claims, without documentation, that “every five years the Romans enumerated citizens and their property to determine their liabilities.  This practice was extended to include the entire Roman Empire in 5 B.C.E.”1  This goes against the fourteen-year cycle which Archer himself uses to argue that Quirinius was pulled from his busy duties in Asia Minor to do a Syrian census in 7 B.C.E., fourteen years earlier than the one recorded in Josephus and Acts 5:37.”

– N. F. Gier


The New Testament Gospels are full of contradictory statements. In places, especially, in Luke, there are powerful expressions of class hatred. For example, the rich man goes straight to hell, while the poor man Lazarus goes to the bosom of Abraham. Jesus preaches, it is easier for the camel to go through the eye of the needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. Luke’s version of the Sermon on the Mount, declares, blessed are ye poor, for yours is the kingdom of God, blessed are ye that hunger, for you shall be filled, but woe unto you who are rich, for ye have received your consolation, woe unto ye that are full, for ye shall hunger. By contrast, elsewhere, the message is one of reconciliation between rich and poor, so Matthew has Jesus preach, blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that hunger and thirst, for ye shall be filed.

-Chris Harman (A People’s History of the World)

Harsh Truth of Reality

Our subconscious minds have more of an effect on us than we realize. Our past traumas, as children have effects on us as adults. Which really makes me wonder how this will affect these immigrant children and all these children that aren’t aborted and thrust into this world, unloved and uncared for. At this point, with the way this world is going and especially in our nation, it seems more like abortion is a saving grace and a selfless act to save children from suffering this horrible place, with these horrible humans who have apparently, not learned from the past and who choose to remain ignorant in an age of knowledge. Harsh, I know, and I used to be pro-life, but I haven’t been the last several years. I’ve done research on and read stories about what a lot of kids go through, in my country and others. Some kids are merely born, they suffer and starve to death. The white Jesus cult Christians, are okay with this, as long as they are not killed in the womb. At least, if they go peacefully there, they won’t have to face any suffering or hardships, abandonment, abuse, getting passed around by the state, being sold off into human trafficking, etc. God forbid any of them end up on welfare, because these same people will condemn and bitch about them constantly, saying, “they shouldn’t have to pay for them” (so much for helping the poor or less fortunate). People need to be reminded, that you are a result of the environment you are placed in. There are very few who somehow make their way out of that environment and do better. In that case, we do need to take care of our own, the ones already destined to have to struggle through this place, but it does not mean we need to foolishly add to it when the suffering of another child and eventually adult aka human, can be bypassed for peace.

Trump Supporting Christians

One of the things that has completely boggled me is Christians supporting trump. He is the antithesis of Jesus.

In short, love is encompassing to all beings, not just whites, not just Christians, not just Americans, not just Jews, not just blacks, not just tans, but everyone. If you want to preach love, you can’t turn away someone running from evil. That’s as heartless as they come. You can’t turn away help for a people trapped on an island that has been through a massive hurricane and allow, a now estimated between 5,600 and 8,000+ deaths.

So, a Christian supporting trump is an absolute contradiction. Jesus said, what you do, to the lesser of my children, you also do to me. Right now trump’s administration has not only allowed children to be ripped away from their parents, but has lost 1,500+ children.

Love is something, I think even Christians will never accomplish, I’ve met more loving atheists, to be honest. They don’t have a religion threatening or keeping them in fear of doing the wrong thing, that makes them feel forced to love, they just love others. There is no motivation behind their love for others, they do it, because it’s kind and it’s the right thing to do. Right now, the darkness is coming out of more Christians than I ever thought possible.

Finding The Truth In Religion and History